What Mother’s Day does to me…
a mother gives birth to you
nurtures you through life
feeds you and clothes you
protects you from the all the bad in the world
expressing her love through hugs and kisses
speaks sweet words of kindness, thoughtfulness, expresses compassion toward her love ones
listens to you when you’re happy or sad
a mother becomes your doctor, therapist, lawyer, teacher and friend throughout your life
is always there to lend a helping hand
when Mother's Day comes i am that little girl all over again
a chill passes through my very being
i can’t say that my mom gave me what i needed the most--her unconditional motherly love
yes, she gave birth to me and yes, she fed me she clothed me and put a roof over my head
she was present, but
took me to a place that young ears wouldn’t understand years i had to endure negative
talk about her abusive marriage to my father ‘til i became numb inside
he was the father that i never knew
i closed off the world around me
never trusting another soul
since her passing 8 years ago, i have many regrets of not trying hard enough to feel her
warmth and affection when she was desperately reaching out…
…pushing her away whenever she came near
i became that little girl all over again
my heart was torn
i should have accepted her as she was, a human being-- with broken wings
hatred and emptiness was deep inside my very being
regretting the mother and daughter bond that we should have shared
before her passing I realize that the present meant more to me than the past
from that moment I changed and began a journey to feel her love
I was there for her when she needed me the most
to all the daughters in the world don't live in the past - it's not worth it
mend yourself, find good in people
It's never too late to share love with family and friends.
We all need to cherish every moment possible.
- Maria-
What Can You Do About Mother's Day Sadness?
When I was a child I idolized my Mother. She was my super-hero, and the most influential person in my life, but like many of us my childhood wasn’t happy. It was rather spent on trying to survive the bed she slept in.. Of course what I mean is that she was miserably married had made her bed had to lie in it, or so was the attitude over 40 years ago. Unfortunately, that meant her children had to survive the nightmare also.
Most of us don’t have ‘white-picket-fence’ memories of growing up. Often we are from ‘dysfunctional families’, broken homes, divorced parents or alcoholics–they are more normal than some would want to admit. Sometimes there was only one parent in our lives--perhaps that person was wonderful to us perhaps not. Maybe we were raised by various people who played the role of parent. Whatever our circumstances, occasions like Mother’s Day bring out mixed feelings in many. Can you imagine ‘Joan Crawford’s" daughter rushing to the nearest "Hallmark" store? There’s a thought to behold. Sometimes a parent has hurt us, sometimes we carry about these wounds just under the surface of our smiles in daily life.
Mother and Fathers Day are difficult days to get through. It is hard to be grateful when someone cuffed you rather than speak to you or perhaps even died and you carry living wounds. Perhaps they were critical figures–the kind that ask why you didn’t get 100 percent instead of 80. Wow, there’s another can of worms.
The other side to this coin is that you may be the ‘mother’ and perhaps have tried the best you could, but things didn’t work out and children have abandoned the relationship. Or tragically you have lost a child to disease or accident, and are still full of love and yearning for that person. Sometimes we are a hard-working step-parent who helps throughout the year with child rearing responsibilities but are not the ‘mother’ on "Mother’s Day". What a mixed bag of challenges to overcome!
For the most part I think mothers did the best they could under their specific circumstances. Perhaps they never had support they needed, and the task of child-rearing alone was beyond their skill and resources. Perhaps the life they had offered no example, or chance to bring themselves out of a rut. Whatever the combination of extenuating circumstances, our personal history cannot change and hard feelings can outlast a lifetime. The future is ours! We need to be brave enough to break an abusive or destructive cycle, because we are more fortunate in society today. There are more resources, agencies and information sources put in place to help us overcome such things. We have the opportunity to live a better life than our parents did.
Others are blessed indeed by mother-child relationships, know it and are grateful for the gentle spirits of mother-love in their lives. That is a blessing and something to be truly thankful for.
But what for those to whom occasions like this bring a heavy heart? What can you do to lighten the load? Here are some thoughts about how you can help yourself through any difficult occasion.
1. Acceptance - you cannot change what is past. Yesterday is written, but today is yours to hold and create. Acknowledge your feelings of sadness, but limit the time you will allow this reflection. Consider, a pact with yourself..."for this moment I will indulge and acknowledge my feelings about___". Bring closure to your chosen time-frame, perhaps with a simple prayer or writing down your thoughts. Then move on to the rest of your day.
2. Turn to those who understand your situation, talk it out. It may be a professional, a close friend or simply your neighbour.
3. Focus on people who are part of your life. They may be other family members children, a sibling or Aunt--reach out to them.
4. Do something kind in the name of the person involved in this pain. Plant a tree, create a memorial garden, or write a poem to dedicate to them.
5. If possible, and where it would do no harm, consider reconciliation. Write a letter or pick up the phone, send flowers or a small gift. Allow yourself to step out of your comfort zone, but control the situation and never deliberately put yourself in a threatening situation. Only attempt something of this nature if you are honestly willing to accept the outcome be it positive or negative.
6. Choose to do something meaningful for yourself. Organize an activity that will bring you pleasure. Then, do it. Live in the moment, and allow yourself some pleasure.
Our Memory Box
Back in 1971 Elementary School teachers would have special craft days, especially on Christmas, Valentine’s or Mother’s Day. We made Mother’s Day cards and we would write a special poem inside for our moms. Roses are red, Violets are blue, and I love you’s. I will remember one special teacher, Mrs. Bunn, for the rest of my life. She took me under her wing from grade three on. I remember staying over for weekends or would even spend a week with her family. Years passed and we drifted apart, but I felt she was always near. Grace was an important part of my life when I was younger--I never realized the impact that she had on my heart all those years ago. Eventually fate brought us back together just over 20 years ago and Grace and her husband even attended my wedding! She made an impression deep in my heart that can’t be forgotten. Not only was she my teacher but was my angel-mom as well. Happy Mother’s Day Grace! You are a special ‘angel’, my own second mom.
My mother was a very affectionate woman, child-like at times, who’d shower us with hugs and kisses. She was very talented when it came to knitting, crocheting and embroidery work, thanks to my grandmother, a teacher by profession, who had the patience to teach her. The Italian and Portuguese women in our neighbourhood loved her work and paid a small fee so we were constantly delivering doilies, tablecloths and embroidered pillow cases to them. Every year, my three siblings and I got to choose two colours of wool that she’d make our sweater, hat, scarf, mittens and socks from; this took the entire year to have ready for Christmas as one of our gifts. Every summer we were able to rent a cottage during the last two weeks of August because mom would save her change all year long; my sister and I would help her roll it and then we’d take it to the bank to exchange it for bills. Fall was a busy time around our house as mother prepared her canning equipment to stock up on pickles, jams, peaches, and pears that would get us through the winter. Today, I often think of my "cherished mother memories" because they keep her here with me even though she’s been gone for almost 31 years.
A Mothers Logic:
"If you fall off that and break your neck, don’t come running to me."
"If you cross your eyes, they're going to stay that way."
"If you don't get a good education, you'll never get into college!"
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"
"If you don’t eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up".
What, you didn’t ask to be born? If you had of, I would have said NO!
"You are going to get it when we get home."
"Wear clean underwear you could get hit by a bus".
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."
"Just wait until your father gets home."
"One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU"
The Burdens That Mothers Must Bear
Think back to your childhood and some of you Rusty Chicks may recall such phrases as…you can’t learn on an empty stomach…watch your P’s & Q’s…close the door, were you born in a barn?…do your coat up or you’ll catch your death of cold…chew your food and don’t talk with your mouth full…stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about. Some of these may even have been uttered by your own mother!
Remember a time before your own children, and how steadfast you were in your decisions of what you would and would not do when you became a mother. There’s no way you’d ever put used clothing on your baby! Certainly, you’d never have the heart to discipline your child! You wouldn’t dream of going off to work and leaving your child in someone else’s care! Definitely, you wouldn’t clean the dirty spot from your child’s cheek with a handkerchief dampened in your own saliva!
As mothers, we acquire a foundation of knowledge from our own mothers and other women in our lives, such as grandmothers or aunts, who help to shape our roles. Tidbits of advice and tradition are handed down from generation-to-generation. We raise our children, the next generation, to the best of our abilities based upon our own upbringing, ideals and life situations. Most of us are trying our very best to nurture an individual, diverse life form without a manual or any formal training whatsoever. To top it all off, the relationship or equation has a degree of uncontrollable variables! Along with peer pressure and current fashion trends, there’s a unique "text terminology" and growing, technical environment to decipher. Let’s face it, parenting’s gotta be difficult!
Sometimes, it seems the foundation of motherhood is at risk of cracking. It’s unfair that with so much to contend with, mothers are the first ones blamed when all isn’t right; they’re ultimately responsible for an untidy house, poor hygiene, dirty clothes, hungry bellies, minding manners and every degree of behaviour (good or bad) in between. How many times have you heard, "Surely, your mother wouldn’t allow that?" or "Didn’t your mother teach you any manners?" It doesn’t matter that guidelines were set and consequences offered for unacceptable behaviour. Cripes! The kids probably spent half their lives in "time out"! No one cares that the lesson’s been taught and the onus is on the child to understand and apply the concepts. It’s a shame that "offspring faults" often lead back to "mother" but it’s a burden that’s accepted as part of the job and carried with the deepest of love.
