Stages Of Motherhood...

As surely as a child grows and matures through various stages of development, so too does MOTHER.  

Stage one of motherhood is “HIGH-ON-LIFE” or at the extreme end, “WHAT-HAVE-I-GOTTEN-MYSELF-INTO?”; there’s a certain high in creating “the miracle of life” and a feeling you couldn’t love anything more but this new responsibility has a way of getting to the core of your very being and a schedule that at times seems endless.  There are moments of upheaval in starting this new routine and sometimes, outpourings of extreme emotion as hormones rage.

Stage two mom is “MULTI-TASK-MASTER” OR “RIPPING-HER-HAIR-OUT”; with children twelve and under, her days start early getting kids out of bed, fed, ready for school and making sure they get there via any means she can. She holds her children’s hands through these times as they cross the street, do homework or join the baseball team to investigate life from a controlled, safe distance.  Within this time frame she must also deal with the unexpected sleeping in, sick child, lost homework and spilt milk.  There are good days, bad days and those filled with disaster.  She is many things to her young…from teacher to doctor…playmate AND SO MUCH MORE.  At day’s end, she’s often preparing for tomorrow, though physically and emotionally drained. 

Stage three sees motherhood “ENCASED-IN-ARMOUR” OR “NEEDING-ANGER-MANAGEMENT”; she has teenagers to contend with and has difficulty recognizing the children she thought she knew.  It’s a constant battle of wills in regard to boundaries or independence and she must be strong and steadfast in preparing her children for the workforce or post-secondary education.  She struggles at times to “allow some space” or “choose her battles wisely” which can  lead to some emotional, head-butting and she often loses her influence for the moment as it’s handed over to her child’s peers.   Even at this stage of the game, her job's not done.   

Stage four can teeter either way as “LONG-DISTANCE” or “CROWDING-MY-SPACE”; mom communicates with children living away at school via e-mail or phone and sees them on weekends or holidays.  Others she finds still at home. She can be soft or sentimental in her duties because she’ll still do a load of laundry or pick up some needed items from the store.  For “stay-at-home-children” though, she’s becoming “set in her ways” and can be greedy about her freedom and space.  She isn’t as tolerant as she once was when it comes to running errands or excessively high utility bills.    

 Stage five is “BETTER-THE-SECOND-TIME-AROUND” or “I-ALREADY-RAISED-MY-OWN-KIDS”; mom has married children starting their own families and loves to indulge her grandchildren.  She enjoys these encounters which can be exhausting but there’s a certain freedom in not having to set the rules all of the time. Although she adores her grandchildren, she can have mixed feelings if faced with the reality of being their primary care while both parents work.  She may be viewed as “old fashioned” in regard to parenting and expected to “get with it” but she clings to her “old ways”.

Six gives way to “FREEDOM 55” OR “STUCK-IN-A-RUT”; this finds mom independent, with her own schedule, spending time and money pursuing her own interests and those of her significant other.  She’s adapted to this lifestyle change and the similarities of “the way things used to be”.  It can also find her loaning money to her adult children or raising her grandchildren; this can be a hard habit to break and creates feelings of guilt or fear for her grandchildren’s welfare.

The final stage of motherhood leaves us with “I’M-NOT-GOING-DOWN-WITHOUT-A-FIGHT” OR “I’VE-LOST-MY-BODY-AND-MOST-LIKELY-MY-MIND”; unfortunately, mother is now dependent upon being cared for by her children, or indirectly in a care facility.  She may fight this as it’s hard to accept not being able to do all that she once did.  At some point, mother leaves us and a child takes her place. With her lifecycle complete, her children have grown to become the parent and she has aged to become the child. 

These stages revolve around what a mother may live, the versatility for which she may deal with life and the fortune she’s worth for all that she may do.  Though the characteristics and variables may change for each mother…the stages of motherhood remain…over and over again! 

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The Spirit of Mother-Love

All around us in our daily walk are reminders of mother.  Whether it is in the gentle prompting of Canada Geese as they both guide and wait for their young goslings to cross a road.  Or something as simple as an elderly woman offering a knowing nod to the young woman dealing with a crying baby; the robin’s protectiveness of her nest in springtime, even bank tellers, often matronly women  that almost but never quite remind you to save for a rainy day.

There is a great mother earth, who nourishes and sustains all life on this planet or the Holy Mother images that touch our soul even though we may not be of the Christian faith. Certainly, we relate to the kind of enduring, devoted love she symbolizes. 

A child can mother a pet; the teacher a student—perhaps unknowingly passing on the subtle motherly energy of a special bond between creatures. Even our own peers can offer some “motherly” direction.

When I was a child, the worst thing that could happen was that a mother would leave her child to fend alone.  Bambi left children crying in theatres, all over the country--probably people still in need of counseling over that one.  Me included.

I grew up in the age of “Mrs. Cleaver”, the “Beaver's” forever stay-at-home mom.  My life wasn’t of that mold though as I had the rare kind of mother who worked outside the home.  She didn’t have time to bake cookies, join the PTA or worry about what would take stains out of a collar. Thank God for the Miracle on 34^th Street! There was a plucky Maureen O’Hara, a single, opinionated, independent working-out- of-the-home kind of mother.  That one movie alone helped me to believe that my life wasn’t so odd after all.

How damaging were those old media images of “mother” to boomer children! There was that “little woman” at home making pies, vacuuming in pearl necklaces, offering her “hard” working husband a pair of slippers after a difficult day at work.   Phoney, mere images of life offered up by a male dominated industry!  Worse yet, in today’s light, how awful Jackie Gleason was with his “to the moon, Alice” threats…makes me cringe! (Especially since many women actually got “sent to the moon”.) In reality, those Howdy Doody years were really not so clean cut when you think about it.

So there is something to be said for living in the reality focused world we have now.  Yes the blood and guts are in our faces.  Yes, that may not be necessary, but nothing is slicked over with pomade either.  Our children understand that families come in all combinations, parents have multiple roles so no one needs to feel awk’weird’.  That is a blessing and another blessing is that we are surrounded by life guides. No one really believes “you make your bed you lie in it” anymore.   Understanding permeates our society.  That special “relating” quality is there for us--from a counsellor, sister, aunt or even a co-worker.

I had one such co-worker many years ago.  When life would deal me a rotten hand she’d offer a vision of gratefulness. Something sublime, thought provoking or the truly ridiculous to laugh over, cry about or debate.  It was her inspiring spirit who helped put me on the right path when no one else seemed to be watching me cross the road.  I shall not forget her.  It was her understanding of my circumstances that helped me get through, yet that understanding came at a “price”, for one can only truly understand by what they’ve been through themselves.

Today, in contrast to decades ago, we are offered so much.  Guidance. Information.  Support.  Vision. There is a world full of maternal love to be found in the here and now. It is phenomenal!

Tremendous opportunities exist to find people who can relate to us.  The world has embraced itself through “mother boards” across the globe.  Support groups in communities at every flick of a button.  Ok the red flags are there too, but with some good old common sense, there is no need to feel alone in a situation--the wonderful spirit of mother-love prevails. 

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Lessons To Carry From Mom

Ten years ago I lost my mom to cervical cancer.

Her life wasn’t as glorious as some.

She fought hard to overcome her tragedies.

Her heart wept for years to come.

She tried to be strong keeping her feelings within.

That’s left when dreams are scattered to the wind.

She devoted her time keeping the family together.

Even though our lives were distant from each other.

Walls were built high preventing from reaching in.

Maybe there is nothing more than darkness out upon the terrace of our hearts.

The miracles that could’ve been at one time have long since found a reason to depart.

A mother’s love determines how we love others and ourselves.

Years later our lives began to change.

The feeling of anger began to diminish.

Lifting the burden from our shoulders.

Setting aside all fears of doubts.

Feeling love once again.

Before I knew myself, you made me, me

There isn’t a day that goes by that I wish she were near.

Now among the stars I am not alone but in her heart I have a new home.

I thrive to live for the future and let the past lay asleep.

Even though I sometimes weep.

There is more to learn as I grow.

There are those whose lives are shaped by love whose pleasures, rich and full are found in the living.

In the end it was through your love you made me, me.

Mom, thank you for giving me the strength to carry on and for all the lessons. 

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Cutting The Apron Strings

Right now, there are a multitude of students and parents preparing for the end of high school.  Graduation pictures, prom tickets, prom outfits, receiving and responding to Offers of Admission from colleges and universities, all things that “top the list” and that list is long!

It’s “information overload” as you research with your child whether they’re entitled to government education funding, if they must approach a financial institution for resources, what scholarships and bursaries are available that they meet the criteria for and what conditions must be met in responding to an acceptance offer.  There are info sessions to attend, on-line applications to submit, scholarship submission deadlines and payment schedules to keep up with.

If conditions apply to an Offer of Admission, such as obtaining CPR Level HCP and Standard First Aid for Nursing Programs, they must be met.  Let’s not forget a visit to your doctor to complete an Immunization Passport or a visit to your local law enforcement for a Vulnerable Sector Police Check.  It’s certain there’s a visit to the bank in there as well.  Add to all of this “the other stuff”, like work, household duties and relationships with other family members and friends; it’s a busy, often stressful time, as everyone enters a new stage of life.

From a mom’s perspective, this stress may go hand-in-hand with feelings of emptiness, though we’re told by those who’ve gone before, “it’ll quickly pass”.  Depending on the “parent-child relationship”, it can be an emotional time of adjustment with some children venturing away from home for the first time.  “Settling in” has a deep effect on mom because her maternal instincts may carry some worry at how they’ll manage.  It’s hard letting go.  To be left suddenly with a lighter load and time to spare, takes getting used to.

Because mom’s purpose and identity have always been so connected to her children, she often questions her own self-worth.  Her mindset has always been that “her work is never done” and just like that, the "bulk of it is".  Hopefully, and often unknowingly, her children help her through this transition by showing their independence in making wise choices.  At this point, she’s proud of the solid foundation she’s raised them on and ultimately, the hand that cuts the apron strings is not mother’s, but that of her child!

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